I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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