woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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