We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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