I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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