I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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