just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
MIDGETS
????
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
