cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
