First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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