Tell her she can't have a vagina
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
