i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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