i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
