I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
