Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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