It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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