I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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