absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
