i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
