So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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