Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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