the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
