now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
