Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
