I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
