Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
