In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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