don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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