i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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