the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
