Plan B is the new Plan A
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
