Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
