i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
