Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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