i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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