What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
