dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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