Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
