dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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