When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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