You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
