he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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