I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
