dude i'm inner monologue high
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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