I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
