I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
