Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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