If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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