what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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