so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
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I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
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It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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