I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
