So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he was CRYING into my vagina
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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