i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Randomize
