So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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