You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
