I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
