"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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