you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize