Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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